Saturday, September 13, 2008

A Truly Horrible, Awful Day

You haven't heard from me in a while. I've been trying to keep up two blogs and Steven's was the more urgent. I've done some knitting.

Argosy Wrap is finished but not blocked. Noro Silk Garden, approximately 7 skeins on size 8 needles. Very happy with it, now waiting for a very cold day.

Kay, my writer friend of 39 years (OMG), has been sending me books and books and books to help me through the interminable waits at the clinic and late nights at the hospital. I started knitting a pair of socks for her before Christmas. But my mind and inability to count straight right now won't let me finish the complex pattern, or strangely any socks for the moment. First it was chemo hats, then shawls and scarves. Since I don't see those socks being finished any time soon, I started an Argosy for her since I'm "in the groove". Although the Argosy pattern is different from the shawl, I actually find it easier and more repetitive. Silk Garden again. Aren't Mr. Noro's color choices fascinating? You never know how they will knit up once you start.

The color sequence totally surprised me as I knit the first few repeats. Where is the rusty red, the browny green, the purple, the warm turquoise? But now that I'm twice as far, I'm actually quite fond of it. There is a Japanese expression for this sort of "let the surprise happen" (as in Raku) that escapes me right now (it's on the tip of my tongue), but I'm embracing it. Aha, it came to me...wabi-sabi (represents a comprehensive Japanese world view or aesthetic centered on the acceptance of transience).

So what is awful and horrible about this day? Steven's doctor called and asked me to arrange a meeting with the family. As some of you know, the leukemia came back three weeks ago and Steven has been fighting it with chemo and hopes of another bone marrow transplant. He is actually coming through the first chemo round surprisingly well considering, but a bone marrow test yesterday showed that it hadn't touched the leukemia, which is now 90% of his bone marrow. So no transplant, no more chemo, no options. Lots of tears. A lot of hard decisions must be made.

Here is a photo of my firstborn three or four years ago in healthy times. Kind, smart and funny.

Only fellow knitters will understand. All through the meeting with the doctor, I knitted ferociously, if not correctly, on Argosy. When I came home, I sterilized and refilled the hummingbird feeder at midnight, did some laundry, cleaned cat boxes, replenished the bird feeder, stared blankly at repetitive news of Hurricane Ike on CNN and I actually might run the vacuum before falling into bed, hopefully so exhausted that sleep will find me. It is very strange the things we do to cope. I should have continued knitting chemo hats. As long as I knit chemo hats, I kept Steven safe. He finally told me to stop. How many chemo hats did he need? I should have kept knitting those hats.

15 comments:

Frogdancer said...

I'm so sorry.

I have 4 boys, and I can't fully comprehend the anguish..... but I can imagine. My thoughts are with you.

Y said...

I'm so sorry :`(

And I so understand having to keep busy and keep one's fingers fiddling and keep one's mind from being taken over by stuff not wanted there.

Lynn said...

Yes, I *do* get it. We have had our own health crisis in my tribe [the children's father], and the project which I started after finishing Adamas kept imploding on me. Tiny alpaca stitches leaping, lemming-fashion, off the tips of my needles and plummeting for rows and rows before I could stop them. It's frogged.

I am so, so sorry about your news. Here is a huge virtual hug until I can give you one in person.

Micki said...

My thoughts are with you and your family. Hugs!

Longhorn Diva said...

Just sending you thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry.

ambermoggie said...

sending strength and love for you all. You will be in my thoughts and prayers

bookgrump said...

Oh Angela... There are no words.

{{{ Hugs }}}

shawlcat said...

Angela, I am so sorry. Your family will be in our prayers.

Bea said...

Oh Angela. I'm so so sorry to hear this.

Stilaholic Nartian knits said...

Oh, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Big hugs and aloha from Maui. I'm sorry. Words just seem so inadequate.

Aloha,

Lisa
another Knitter

Ruby Girl said...

Sometimes it is only a mother that understands.....my thoughts are with you and your family.

the boogeyman's wife said...

sometimes i hate english, or language in general. i'm sorry doesn't seem expressive enough. may you have the strength you need.

Linda said...

My heart aches for you, Angela. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Knitstress Mary said...

Angela,

I could say alot of things, only because of what I have been through. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Mary