A Truly Horrible, Awful Day

You haven't heard from me in a while. I've been trying to keep up two blogs and Steven's was the more urgent. I've done some knitting.

Argosy Wrap is finished but not blocked. Noro Silk Garden, approximately 7 skeins on size 8 needles. Very happy with it, now waiting for a very cold day.

Kay, my writer friend of 39 years (OMG), has been sending me books and books and books to help me through the interminable waits at the clinic and late nights at the hospital. I started knitting a pair of socks for her before Christmas. But my mind and inability to count straight right now won't let me finish the complex pattern, or strangely any socks for the moment. First it was chemo hats, then shawls and scarves. Since I don't see those socks being finished any time soon, I started an Argosy for her since I'm "in the groove". Although the Argosy pattern is different from the shawl, I actually find it easier and more repetitive. Silk Garden again. Aren't Mr. Noro's color choices fascinating? You never know how they will knit up once you start.

The color sequence totally surprised me as I knit the first few repeats. Where is the rusty red, the browny green, the purple, the warm turquoise? But now that I'm twice as far, I'm actually quite fond of it. There is a Japanese expression for this sort of "let the surprise happen" (as in Raku) that escapes me right now (it's on the tip of my tongue), but I'm embracing it. Aha, it came to me...wabi-sabi (represents a comprehensive Japanese world view or aesthetic centered on the acceptance of transience).

So what is awful and horrible about this day? Steven's doctor called and asked me to arrange a meeting with the family. As some of you know, the leukemia came back three weeks ago and Steven has been fighting it with chemo and hopes of another bone marrow transplant. He is actually coming through the first chemo round surprisingly well considering, but a bone marrow test yesterday showed that it hadn't touched the leukemia, which is now 90% of his bone marrow. So no transplant, no more chemo, no options. Lots of tears. A lot of hard decisions must be made.

Here is a photo of my firstborn three or four years ago in healthy times. Kind, smart and funny.

Only fellow knitters will understand. All through the meeting with the doctor, I knitted ferociously, if not correctly, on Argosy. When I came home, I sterilized and refilled the hummingbird feeder at midnight, did some laundry, cleaned cat boxes, replenished the bird feeder, stared blankly at repetitive news of Hurricane Ike on CNN and I actually might run the vacuum before falling into bed, hopefully so exhausted that sleep will find me. It is very strange the things we do to cope. I should have continued knitting chemo hats. As long as I knit chemo hats, I kept Steven safe. He finally told me to stop. How many chemo hats did he need? I should have kept knitting those hats.